yeehawlw:

me telling my wife we’re having a kid: :’) you’re gonna be a milf

toritheestallion:

me at Olive Garden at 11:02 am staring down the elderly people impatiently waiting outside knowing we should’ve opened 2 minutes ago but my boss is in the back cheating on his wife with the girl who makes the salads and he has the key to unlock the doors

milknjuice:

kris jenner force feeding me a cyanide tablet

pak:

kontrollsysteme:

me when the appetizer left a lot to be desired

husmusik:

Excellenté

stimman3000:

1dietcokeinacan:

*Wheel of Fortune audience yell* I…….AM………BABY!!!!!!

sharp-tender-shock:

if-only-angels-could-prevail:

when people on social media share something and just comment “This.” its like yeah ok….That

“this” is how straight people say “wig”

bluu-spectre:

just as advertised

butt-joint:

if she’s your girl then why’d she tranq me tag my ear then release me back for scientific observation

pwesident:

shittycryptids:

An inchworm that makes an accordion noise when it moves

gyplet:

no i am going to do coke